a beastly saga

blogging is totally weird
mah dogg from bdb found me here on google
i've been linked to on miami, bro and incredibly uncredible credentials
thee r stevie moore made a comment
one of the absolute goddam coolest, prettiest girls i know reads regularly

the internet is a strange place and maybe i abuse it a little bit but oh my god it can be so wonderfully satisfying to just be a weirdo and have people be into it!

for posterity's sake, my old blogs:
http://mytornado666.livejournal.com/ from high school into college around when i started having major paranoia and panic attacks
http://happypants.diaryland.com/ from middle school into high school overlapping with the above blog

IMPORTANT INFO/DISCLAIMER/CAUTION:

my blogging has never been private but if you dont want to see nasty secrets then dont read the beginning of mytornado666. i created it originally with the intentions of dispelling some shit in my life that i never got to tell anybody because it's kind of hard to deal with. i was keeping happypants at the same time as a more public journal but eventually just moved all of my writing to livejournal and cooled it on the dark pubescent shame into more of a sort of confused angst.
please, dont try me. i'm not the one you want to try.

WORDS OF WISDOM:

i've always been kind of a nerd so most of that shit will probably be too corny, confusing and irrelevant to even bother with! your best bet is to not try! seriously, dont read them.

Yours always,
howard q. stern

secret base/gaze of the abyss

the place in which i am hiding/residing currently has four walls and a closet without a sliding door
the clothes fall out and small cockroaches live in the mess
i dont know why, im pretty sure theres no food. what do they want? did the cat shit?
did a roach have babies in my room?
have my dreams left my body? but im still full of sweat; soaked straight through
the air has stories in it, but the words havent been found
you see them in the distance through the air particles as they kiss the vanishing point
they whisper behind the fences and walls, twisting about in flames
it all seems small when you hear the sound of mutation ringing through your bones
its no trick that keeps the jug of urine under your desktop or the cockroach smashed up against the wall
dust builds up and gets you congested and the old systems fall apart into random patterns generally unfriendly to some degree ranging from quirky to alien
does it capture your imagination in some way, possibly subconsciously? does it tune you into some old frequency? where does the moment end and begin again? how long till the next moment? recovery necessary from the journey?
well, where are we? it seems i got off the track somewhere but i dont really know how it happened.
somewhere in the world a train is leaving me behind and i'm not even there to catch the next train
maybe one will catch me here? i should run out right now and jump onto that wild crystal caboose!

a wise person once said that the brain does some pretty retarded stuff.

i'm inclined to agree with that statement. after all, a wise person did state it

from: Discordian Tarot Reading: Communications From Elsewhere

if you're interested in a good laugh: Principia Discordia | the book of Chaos, Discord and Confusion ...

weirdness on all sides the saga continues but still i carry on

the badass of all badasses: chango hughley

represent

to my defense, i'm a fairly sensitive individual and it feels good to be rubbed!

sometimes the line between insecurities and insight can get blurry and mixed up

at that point i realize i may be a little too tightly wound

my body is starting to feel like a big sack of crap

a year ago i was making pretty cool entries in my blog

am i too depressed?

am i letting my imagination dull?

too lazy?

oh it blows, my little babies

i had a vivid dream today that was kind of awful

you know when you have a crush on someone and you overanalyze it and unintentionally try to pick them apart from a distance? that was my dream!

from the point of the dream i started remembering, i was watching a videotape of sally singing the blues in a dirty bedroom with dirty boys

i dont know either of the boys in my non-dream life but i think one was kind of a friend in the dream

the camera recording started to zoom in and sally was making the weirdest face and she looked trashed

i remember trying to face the juvenile antisocial fear inherent in my overanalysis by continuing to watch even though it looked completely retarded but eventually i had to look away because it made me feel strange (or maybe i just woke up?)

in my life i've dealt with stupid jealousies and it makes me feel like a disgusting bad person

normally i can handle them decently, even when i'm alone with my waking thoughts but in my dreams i guess they still haunt me

i woke up feeling weird yet again

life is dangerous

its weird because i remember talking about harland williams this weekend and how i've never enjoyed his work and here i am stoned and looking for dumb and dumber clips on ebaum's world and i find that he is the cop that drank the pee and made a funny face from my childhood
weirdness has me on all sides, surrounded and slightly unnerved i gather my strength
i hope everything works out lovely

art basel is next week and last year i made kind of a mess between spank rock and my boyfriend from afar and demanding that i play the pink reason show and eventually humping my own glitter on the floor
life moves too fast, you see the landmarks on the road and run them over
so much waiting that you dont even know what to do when you finally get there and you freeze in plain sight and cant even walk over to say hi because you hit the apple too hard in that dusty backyard and suddenly you're tripping over double dutch sine waves
oh, time can be frightening, especially when you can see through its folds and you find something nasty peeking at you and telling you things that you dont want to hear

i need to go for a walk and get some fresh air
maybe i'll come back and listen to decade on vinyl in the dark or maybe i'll make a drawing or read something i've been meaning to
is it possible to make time slow? do you know? can you tell me?

you know, by now i really should know better.

i have been getting so caught up in my own negativity and stagnation and it's been happening so easily!

i fear that my negativity is eating me up inside and allowing all sorts of weird and nasty things into my life because they sense that my brain is opening up and want to reap its fruits, to deflower me and leave me weak and desperate

life continually manages to teach me that i can't afford to be naive

i will admit

i want to be saved

i want help

i want a partner

i want a safe zone

i'm not begging mercy because i have some pride and besides, its not fair to expect anyone to save you

but i am human and so forth

and it hurts

but all this confusion needs to be swept aside

there must be banishment and good wishes and love

and god fucking dammit i dont want to live like an idiot and i dont want to be pushed around and i dont want my fucking blood sucked!

depression and desperation just doesn't look good on me, you dig?

i have to refocus and stabilize my energies so i can be relied upon

when i go to bed i will not dream of vampires

i will wake up to a clean room and start my calisthenics

my life is not meaningless and i'm not dead

i dont need drugs to enjoy myself

tomorrow will be a special day for me and i will have fun for myself and take care of all the things i've been meaning to

i will smile and mean it

the world is still beautiful

maybe this all sounds mundane and ridiculous but it truly feels like i've been wearing my pants on my face so please bear with me as i recall how to put my pants on the appropriate anatomical region

it might take a while